Mark 11:23 For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.
I'm not sleeping. I have way too much on my mind to even think about thinking about sleeping. Does that make sense? No? Well, I told you I'm not sleeping. I'm not getting too upset about the lack of sleep yet (although I'll probably crack soon) right now I'm thinking of it as practice for when Noah is here and I have to get up and feed her every few hours.
I start my new job on Monday. I don't even remember if I have told y'all that I have a new job, but I do- and I'm very excited about it. However, also seriously nervous about it too. After being with State Farm for over three years it's time for me to part ways with the company and start something new. Chad's agency opens it's doors June 1st which is SO soon! He and I decided that for the sake of our marriage and general happiness that I would not be one of his employees. For any of you who know us well, you can probably understand how we arrived at such a decision. We both have extremely strong personalities and, of course, Chad would be the boss. Can you imagine the first time I sassed at him in front of one of his other employees- Lawdy! Not gonna work. I am however doing as much as possible to help him get ready for opening day, and will continue to help train his staff and do pretty much anything he needs as long as I can. While we're not crazy about working together- we're not dumb enough to realize that I'll be a big asset whenever he needs me due to my experience and history with the company....That being said- my new job is as a leasing consultant for an awesome apartment complex in Augusta, GA! I dabbled in leasing for a few months in Columbia and loved it- my only issue was that the property was open on Sundays and that got in the way of my strong belief to observe the Sabbath. My new property is only open Mon-Sat so this works perfectly! I love the job description (sales and customer service) and the ladies I'll be working with seem amazing!
Back to my not sleeping. As excited as I am about a new job that I'm sure I'll love doing, and be good at, I can't help but think about the fact that a short 6 weeks after I deliver Noah, I'll be having to leave her somewhere with someone and go back to work. We've known since we found out I was expecting that the situation we're in would require me to be a working mom for a while. It's not realistic for me to stay home during the first year-or even few years if that is the case while Chad open's a brand new business. I know what I have to do, and I know it's ultimately for the survival and greater good of my family (including Noah) but I can't help fearing how utterly gut-wrenching and heart breaking it will be for me. I lay in bed trying to doze off with visions of me sitting at my new desk in hysterics sobbing over my baby being somewhere with someone else. I try to snap myself out of it, obviously I tell myself there is no other option so I can freak out or I can suck it up, but I have doubt anyway. It's in my mind and in my heart. I don't want to fail my family, I don't want to fail my daughter, and I don't want to fail my new employer by being a total wreck either. I'm typing this thinking it's silly that I'm worrying about this before it happens, but this is typical Layne, I'm a planner I want to be prepared and have a plan, and that means even planning for non-existent, yet-to-happen emotional breakdowns. I worry my child will be a stranger to me, I'll leave her at 7 am and get back to her after 6pm and will that be enough time to get to know her, love her, be with her? I have no idea. I guess that will have to be determined later. Ugh! I just want to snap out of this funk! I have a feeling this will never go away now that I'm going to be a parent.
My sweet husband, I'm sure has thought about all of this, but it's my burden to bear for the time being. He has his own Mountains, and he hasn't really been sleeping either. I wish we had the opportunity to both chug some Nyquil and say "Peace out, world" for 8-24 hrs, it would do us a world of good! He is in serious boss-man mode. He is kicking butt, taking names, and busting heads. He is so awesome, words can not describe how proud of him I am. I am so lucky to have someone working so hard to provide for me and our family. I know a lot of people out there don't have that in their lives and the security I feel from knowing what a good, responsible, brilliant man I married is priceless.
So here is what I know:
-I know my situation and I know what has to be done.
-I know that I am strong. I have never felt stronger in my entire life, and even though I'm terrified I have an amazing husband, supportive family, and loving God standing behind me.
-At some point in the near future Chad and I have to figure out our childcare options- we are a little over 3 months away from Noah being here and we can't put it off much longer.
-My hubby is a business owner and State Farm agent, and in 14 days will have an open office with his name on the front!
-I'm happy. I'm not sleeping, I'm a huge worry-wart and minor complainer. But I am genuinely happy.
I love the scripture verse I put at the top of this post, it's my mantra right now. I'm facing a mountain, but I have no doubt I can move it. I'm the luckiest girl in the world, and my Heavenly Father loves me- with him I can do anything. Love ya, Layne