Thursday, August 25, 2011

My thoughts and review of daytime televison- aka- recap of my day to day life.

Bed rest has me stuck on the couch for hours on end. Unless I have a doctor's appoint, get lucky and run an errand with Chad or for the 30 minutes a day I sit on the front porch for some Vitamin D- my entire rest of the day is either sleeping or watching the awful shows that are on mid-day. There are a few exceptions to the awfulness, but frankly anything loses it's appeal in the quantity that I've been watching it. So here are my thoughts on the few shows that have become a part of my every day life. I've been on bed rest since August 8th---so that is a heck of a lot of hours spent in front of the TV. I've watched a ton of movies, too, and read 2 books, but the rest was spent like this....

Property Virgins:

Sandra, how do you restrain yourself from punching some of these people in the face? Where were you in March when we bought our home? We would have been so good to you. P.S. Whoever does your wardrobe needs to be fired. Sorry.

Property Brothers:

Since we’ve been spending so much time together I feel personally invested in your lives. Are you both homosexual? Not that it matters to me, but I’m curious. I’m pretty sure Drew is, but I can’t tell with Jonathan. Or, maybe they’re both just metro with sensational interior design style. Side note: their wiki page says they do magic shows in Vegas in their spare time…..just sayin...

Yard Crashers:

Ahmed, you are awesome, and kinda hot. Why oh why won’t you come to the Lowes in N. Augusta, you can’t miss it- it’s the only large chain store we have other than WalMart. This show has made it depressingly obvious that my yard needs to be “crashed” pretty dang bad.

Curb Appeal:

See above statement about yard. Ours is definitely the ugly duckling on the block.

General Hospital:

Why is everyone being so mean to Sonny? Don’t they know he has a good heart and just wants his friends and family to be happy and safe? Spinelli- what’s with the accent and amnesia? Sky- you look old, go back to not being on television, thanks.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians:

Kris Jenner- you’re kinda a giant money grubbing b-word who ignores her husband and traditional mom and wife duties. This season is not shedding a flattering light on you. Rob- you used to be cute and some comic relief but now you just seem like a tick hanging on for dear life... and you got a little fat.

House Hunters/ HH International:

It is absolutely fool proof that if a couple is shown a property outside of their budget, then that is the one they choose. Don't get confused, if it's on the high end of their budget- that does not guarantee it, only if it is above their budget. What's the point of even setting a budget, folks?

Paula's Best Dishes:

Paula, dear, I have to agree with Bourdain. You are killing America- but that doesn't mean I don't absolutely love you. Also, I have made a promise to myself to cut you out of my life once I have this baby. If I don't I'll never lose my pregnancy weight. Please don't cry. Go make yourself something absolutely delicious that will continue to clog your probably rock-hard arteries and console yourself.

Love, Layne

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Trying to be better when it's easier to rely on old instincts...

So it's no secret that I've been pretty miserable lately. I'm over 38 weeks pregnant, I'm experiencing ridiculous side effects that I've never even heard of- and that no poor unsuspecting first-time (or anytime) mother should experience. I've been on bed rest for like 2 weeks, missing my friends at work, going a little cuckoo from cabin fever, and all of this on top of the normal anxiety and worries that a soon to be new-mom faces. Sheesh, am I pitiful, or what?! Don't I deserve some sympathy? I've been praying for weeks, almost on an hourly basis "Lord, please let me have this baby, please let me go into labor, please bring me my baby girl." Sometimes, especially at night (2-3-4am in the morning) when I'm still awake not being able to sleep and burdened with restless legs my prayers are more like this: "Lord if you're not going to send me into labor right now please have mercy on me and at least let me get some sleep!!" Most recently, however, its more like this (sobbing) "Heavenly Father, I can't take this anymore. If I'm not going to go into labor RIGHT NOW then either let me be able to fall asleep or take away this horrible pain because I'm losing my freaking mind!!"
Shame on me. I've never doubted God's timing. Not for one second, I have known the whole time that Noah will come when she's meant to come and not a minute sooner. But shame on me for thinking that if I begged hard enough, that God would feel sorry for me and change his plan. Maybe that is a form of doubt- doubting that Heavenly Father would be holding out on me for any reason other than his perfect plan. Or, thinking that I would be continuing to suffer for no reason at all. I recently decided I've been going about it all wrong: praying for what I want. Praying for gratification instead of patience and understanding during this waiting period. I've been seriously humbled because if you had asked me 3 months ago if I thought I was a patient person I would have told you- most definitely. Actually, I would have told you that I was more patient than I had ever been in my life. ---Lesson learned, because 3 months ago I didn't feel like crap. You think you're strong and patient and wise, and all of these things when you aren't under any pressure- I think Heavenly Father kinda folds his arms, shrugs and sighs....just like any parent will do when their child thinks they don't need anymore life lessons and knows they're going to get some anyway.
So, I've gotten some perspective and have been trying to make some changes to how I react to situations and people. I've got a long history of, how can I say this....being a giant B-word. Being impatient, hot tempered, and easily irritated- especially by stupid people who say stupid things. (side note: you hear more stupid things said to you when you're pregnant than any other time in your life) I haven't just had to learn patience with this pregnancy, but with people and life in general. This is not easy. You can't just decide to bite your tongue and be happy and kind no matter what, at the drop of a hat- especially with extenuating circumstances. But I've been trying to take strides, and be better. Here are some examples:

Stranger: "How much longer do you have?" Me: "About 2 weeks" Stranger: (makes face) "Ooohhh"

Old Layne's response: (make face back) "Yeah. Thanks for that." (turn and walk away mid-convo)
New Layne's response: (painfully smile) "Yes ma'am, it's been hard in this heat, but we're sure excited it's so soon!" (hope this ends convo so I can walk away)

Friends/Family: "How are you doing??" (knowing I'm on bed rest for insane pain that makes it hard for me to move)--this is a toughy bc I know it's coming from a place of love.

Old Layne's response: "How do you think I'm doing, have you lost your mind, if I was fine or good I wouldn't be stuck in this house, but thanks for asking." (hang up the phone)

New Layne's response: ---well this is tricky because I've actually not been taking phone calls so I don't have to be asked how I'm doing because I don't like being reminded that I'm doing bad- I've been living in a bubble in my den trying to forget how bad I feel---but the few calls I've taken have been a little like this "I've been better, yes, thank you for checking, can I call you another time?"

*I'm not perfect- there have been some exceptions and slip-ups in response to this question*

Friends/Family/Strangers: Try to enjoy this natural part of life and the beauty of what your body is doing. Give in to mother nature and the miracle of life. (and other crap like that)

Old Layne's response: "Try to enjoy my foot up your rear- there is nothing natural or beautiful about what sweet mother nature is doing to my body. This isn't normal 3rd trimester pregnancy pains you nit wit, my husband has to help me out of bed and get me to the toilet in the mornings. I hope your meditation and mantras will help you endure the pain of me punching you in your face."

New Layne's response: (thinking to myself that they are just trying to help and to push those violent instincts out of my mind) " I know, it's really hard, though. I'm just trying think about my baby girl and how happy I'll be when I have her and this is all over! I can't wait to meet her, it will be so great! Just need to wait it out and muster through!"

So as you can see, I'm making progress. Baby steps. Trying to be better. On Thursday I decided I needed to look up "patience" in the scriptures, so I went to (my church's website) and pulled up scripture verses from the Bible, Book of Mormon and talks by church leaders. I opened up 2 talks by church officials that were specifically about having patience and faith. ---Then I lost my patience with learning about patience and they sat open on my laptop for several days unread- until last night. I had a rough day yesterday, my mom made me super annoyed and ticked off, and I broke down crying and feeling sorry for myself and slipped into some serious self-pity. So I pulled the talks back up on my computer and started reading. Here are the talks...

Here is some of the wise advice that helped me when I was reading it:

"Nevertheless, without patience, we cannot please God; we cannot become perfect. Indeed, patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace." Dieter F. Uchtdorf

"The greatest scriptural examples of patience are found in the life of Jesus Christ. His long-suffering and endurance are best demonstrated on that excruciating night in Gethsemane as He uttered, in His atoning agony, "O my Father, it if be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt." He truly suffered and bore and endured all things." Robert C Oaks

It's hard to fight natural instincts of impatience, hot tempered, B-word-ness...especially when you are facing a challenge or a trial. But I'm trying really hard to be better. To not think about how my situation could affect the pleasure of bringing my daughter into the world, but to think about how my attitude could affect the pleasure of bringing my daughter into the world. I'm not saying I'm going to be a Happy-Holly all of the time, or that I'm going to start taking phone calls again. I'm not saying that peoples positive and kind words wont make me cringe on my bad days. I'm just saying I'm trying to look at things from a different perspective. Leave it to faith, and know that even when I feel like I really might physically and emotionally not make it another second- I will. And when faced with 1-2 more weeks of waiting for this baby- in pain- stuck in the house, thinking I'll end up a total wretched person to be around before my due date comes- it could happen, but the due date WILL come, and having my daughter here WILL be worth it.

Anyway, the 17-bajillion prayers I've said in between last night and right now were more to this tune " Lord please give me patience, please help me endure, and I'm so grateful for the blessing you're giving me with this baby, just as soon as you're ready to send her to us- I'm ready and I can't wait. Please keep both of us healthy and in all things Thy will be done." ---- I hope this makes the "Big Guy" proud. It's all baby steps, really. (No pun intended)

I know most of you aren't 38+ weeks preggo- but if you're fighting any personal, physical or internal challenges, I really do believe and KNOW that giving it all up to the Lord is the only logical and reasonable thing you can do. Everyone has a predisposition to be something that they don't like- but it doesn't mean it always have to be that way. We can try to be better- take it easy on ourselves, and pray. I don't think I've ever prayed this much in my life. Ever. It probably wont lighten up either- I can only imagine the patience I'll need as a mother. Especially if my daughter is anything like my husband....heh heh heh. One love. Layne

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

What's the trick???

So another day is almost over and I'm looking at a max of 13 more days based on my doctor's visit this morning. If little miss Noah doesn't appear on her own by the 30th we're going to induce that morning. I'm trying to stay positive even though the thought of two more weeks has me teetering on the edge of a dark downward spiral, but I need to think of ways to pass the time. I also need to think of ways to get this baby out. She's already- per my OB this morning- a "chunky monkey". With that being said, and taking into consideration I'm on bed rest so I can't go run around- tell me what helped send you into labor....comment on my blog or send me an email. I'll take funny stories, coincidences, at-home remedies, healthy or unhealthy. Let me know what you ate, watched, read, did or said! I'm not saying I'm going to try anything, but I'm definitely interested in hearing about everything- if for nothing else other than the entertainment of it all!!

I'd also appreciate your biggest prayers, positive thoughts, good ju-ju (whatever you're into) that Noah will decide she's ready and come on out as soon as possible so that her mommy doesn't go absolutely insane. Thanks, and love ya! Layne

p.s. My husband already thinks I'm loosing it just because of a few (several) dumb blonde moments I've had recently. But what does he expect...our dog, Morris, has been my only constant companion for a week and a half now. I'm not getting a whole lot of intellectual conversation on a daily basis and I haven't slept more than a couple of hours over the past SEVEN DAYS!!! This is what I look like as of today....not pretty.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Noah's Nursery

As I'm hoping that Noah decides to show her (undoubtedly) pretty face soon.... like yesterday, it is really good that the nursery is complete and ready to welcome her! The linens are My Baby Sam- Paisley Splash. The Butterfly wall art and "NOAH" I did during a very outrageous nesting spell where I became insanely crafty. The curtain was made by my mother-in-law and the painting above the dresser was done by one of Noah's many "Aunts," Caitrin. The last picture is of my temporary cloth diaper storage method....the drawers in the changing table will hold the inserts and liners etc, but aren't big enough to house a fluff stash. So I'm using a shoe organizer for now to see how that works for us....

Monday, August 8, 2011

This is an explicit pregnancy post- body details and all...

I've been hesitant to talk about this, because it's not pleasant, and it's pretty personal, but I feel like at this point- what the heck. For over a month now I've been experiencing a side effect or symptom of pregnancy that has been extremely painful and this morning got so bad and extreme that from this point forward my Doctor has put me on bed rest until I have the baby. So if you're squeamish or don't want serious pregnancy details- turn back now.
I woke up about a month and a half ago and felt like I had been kicked in the crotch repeatedly. I was so sore, and it really didn't make any sense to me, but I chalked it up to my body growing and changing and wasn't too worried about it. After it lasted more than a week I got online and started searching for message boards- WebMD posts- anything I could find where people were experiencing the same feeling I was. It wasn't easy, but luckily you can find about anything on the web even if you type into the Google search bar "pregnant- feels like someone kicked my crotch". (I'm not joking, that's what I typed) I found a lot of useless information, and then a few things that I thought may be realistic- so I called my OB and talked to her nurse and told her exactly what I was feeling. Evidently this is something that happens a significant amount in pregnant women because she immediately knew what it was- vaginal varicose veins. WHAT THE HECK?! I was flabbergasted! No one in my family has varicose veins, I've never had them before, I'm searching all over my legs and none there, really...a few minor ones, but nothing I would get upset about. I checked myself and there were certainly some darkened more visible veins so the nurse's diagnosis was right, and I found myself unfortunately disappointed by being told that there wasn't much I could do about it. This was something I never even knew existed- or could physically happen but since then I've done a lot of research and a lot of women get this.
Over the past 4-6 weeks the pain hasn't gone away, in fact it's gotten increasingly worse. I tried ice packs, and found they didn't help, I tried Arnica gel on a maxi-pad put in the freezer and that didn't help either. Every day passed and every day it got worse. Things like rolling from my left side to right side in the middle of the night because impossible to do without screaming out in pain. The mornings were/are by far the worse. I'd have to slowly slide out of bed and cringe with the pain I'd feel when letting my weight down onto my feet. I'd waddle to the bathroom and get ready, hobble downstairs and make my way to work. In the car driving to work anytime I'd make a turn the weight shifting as my body leaned one way or the other would have me gritting my teeth. As the day would progress the pain would get more bearable but not disappear, standing up after sitting at my desk for a long period of time would have me experiencing the same painful feelings. Last week it got harder to get in and out of the car, and I found myself border-line stuck on the toilet a few times because it was so hard to stand back up. Every day it has gotten worse and this morning I couldn't get out of bed. I woke up really early 4 or 5 this morning and needed to go to the bathroom and when I tried to get up I realized I couldn't. The pain was excruciating and I couldn't fight through it to sit up. Chad was asleep downstairs on the couch so I chilled out and took some deep breaths and tried to relax a bit. I waited until a reasonable hour and got my phone and called him downstairs and asked him to come help me. We called my OB as soon as the practice opened at 8:30 to talk to the nurse. From that point on my morning just got worse. At my last appointment my OB noticed some swelling and was able to tell me that the majority of the veins, the ones that would be the real culprits of all this pain were internal- which would be why the ice packs were often used in vain (pun intended). This morning I was told I had to be on bed rest, the one thing I've been dreading for weeks with the swelling and Braxton Hicks contractions- and I end up stuck in the house indefinitely from Varicose Veins. Total bullcrap. I'm crying talking to the doctor- telling her I'm three weeks out from my due date- she couldn't possibly expect me to stay down that long, and was there really nothing that could be done? The answers were yes and no. Yes she expected me to stay put- in the bed or on the couch- I can walk around the house a bit to help prevent RLS, and no medically other than ice packs and Tylenol there was nothing that could be done- she said she had only had a handful of patients who ever had this severe of a case. Once I have Noah the veins should go away and the pain along with them.....awesome. There is nothing I can do about this other than follow what my Doctor has told me- so I'm here, at home and while I'm not happy about it, I'm going to do my best to stay preoccupied. Noah is moving around like a little monster in my stomach- I see elbows and knees and feet poking and stretching, it's very sci-fi. I'm just paying her all the attention and praying to God that literally the very second she is done cooking and ready to come out, that she will. I don't want her out until she's good and baked, but nothing would make me happier than not to be stuck at home in pain like this all the way until September 2nd. I'm lucky I have Chad here to help me, and that he's less than a few minutes away during the day- but the next few weeks will be rough. So please say some prayers for me and Noah- I'll be here hoping that the time flies...

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Boo Hiss---sigh, whatever.

I had a really bad morning today. I'm back to feeling really crabby and negative and I had a really serious cry today- and I have hardly cried this whole pregnancy. Getting closer to my due date is not making pregnancy any easier- not that I expected it to- but it's not making it more difficult in the ways I thought it would. I expected the sleepless nights, the OCD, the pain and uncomfortable feelings, even the anxiety! What I didn't expect is the feeling completely lost and overwhelmed and frustrated despite not having many of those feelings up until now.
Monday was a busy day at work, but nothing over-the-top. However, I started having really intense pains and pressure throughout the day paired with Noah being lower than she had ever been before. The pain wasn't unbearable but it was definitely annoying and it lasted on and off all day long. When I got home it lasted through dinner and when Chad and I went on a very slow and easy walk I actually thought- this may be close to what labor feels like. I didn't want to go to the hospital or call anyone because I'm not stupid and I know the more pregnant I get and the closer I get to my due date then I'll start having pains and such. I went to bed with the help of a benadryl and hoped for the best the next day. Tuesday morning I woke up feeling significantly better. There wasn't as much pressure and the intense waves of pain weren't happening yet, I was super sore, but I've been very sore every morning for the past 2 months thanks to some lovely varicose veins. I thought everything was good until I tried to use the bathroom- I sat and tried to use the rest room and had the most insane muscle pains in my crotch and rear that I screamed out loud and it was all I could do to stand up. Once I stood up the pain slowly went away and I finished getting dressed and headed for work a little skeptical about what I was going to do about not being able to go to the bathroom all day. I figured I would take the day easy and it wasn't a big deal. I got work and parked and opened the door to get out of the car and tried to stand up and couldn't. I had the same muscle pains and some more pains in my lower abdomen-great, I thought- it took me 10 minutes to get out of my car and into the office. I was supposed to see my Doctor on Wednesday morning- my day off, but I waddled inside and asked my boss if I could make Tuesday my day off because I wanted to get back in the car and head to the Dr.'s office and try to be squeezed in. Of course she said it wasn't a problem and I headed toward my OB's office. I called on the way there to let them know I was coming and they told me my doctor was in surgery at the hospital and due to the nature of the pains I should just go to the hospital and get checked out and that way my doctor could see me. I REALLY didn't want to go to the hospital, but the nurse acted like I really should so away I went.
At the hospital they checked me into triage and put me in a bed in a little cubby behind a sliding curtain and hooked me up to monitors and told me to chill out and that they would monitor me for a while and then my doctor would be in to see me. In typical fashion the minute I got hooked up and into bed the pain went away. I was laying there thinking how ridiculous it was that I was laying in a hospital bed and was just mortified at myself. I had been in horrible pain the night before but didn't even call the doctor, how had I ended up in a hospital bed with no pain the next day? The nurses were so unbelievably nice and told me I wasn't stupid or silly for coming in, and said whenever I felt anything similar to what I had been feeling to let them know. I told them every time I felt uncomfortable- but told them there was no pain just discomfort and they then showed me on the monitors where I was having contractions. I had several over a half hour and for that reason they kept me there 2 hours- no pain, just contractions, and I never once saw my doctor. After being there about an hour my phone rang and I realized I hadn't even told Chad that I was at the hospital-so I texted him something along the lines of - At hospital, small contractions, don't freak out, I'm fine, call you later. Love you- I'm sure regardless of telling him not to freak out that he was, in fact, freaking out. Once I realized the nurses weren't going to yell at me for being on the phone I called him and assured him that he didn't need to come to the hospital- that I was insanely bored and totally fine and I didn't even want to be there. Anyway, after over 2 hours the nurse opened the curtain and said- "Wanna go home?"---my answer was "Yes, Lord!" I never saw my doctor but they had called her and she said bedrest for the rest of the day and to still come in for my appointment the next morning. I got dressed and headed for the parking garage and whatdya know- I don't even get to the car before I have a contraction so strong and painful I almost drop to me I said, typical. I spent the rest of yesterday resting as best I could. I'm not a good rester. I am totally restless and annoyed at being stuck in the house and I get depressed and cranky. When I'd be laying down I'd be fine, when I'd be up and moving around the house I'd have the contractions. I went to sleep, once again with some benadryl, and woke up this morning and headed to the doctor.
I feel even better today than I did yesterday so I was hoping for some good information from my doctor- some reassurance that I'm fine and I just really wanted to leave feeling better. Wishful thinking. My doctor is as nice as she can be, but I just don't know that we are a good fit. She came in and asked me about the day before and I told her the same story I just relayed to you and she said- ok well I'm glad you're feeling better. She checked me, and then asked me about work. Have they prepared for you to be out? Yes. Could you go ahead and start staying home? No. I don't want to stay home, I hate staying home, and I want to make money as long as possible. What about cutting back on hours, can you go in part time? Maybe. I'll take it easy, I promise. Ok, well you are going to continue to have lots of pressure and maybe some more pain as you get closer to your due date, so don't be surprised. (in my head) No crap, lady.
That was it. That was my whole visit-she of course asked me if I had any questions but what 9 month pregnant lady can think straight at any point let alone when someone is staring at them at the end of an appointment and the clock is I left. I didn't get 10 minutes away from the office before I started feeling like sobbing. I wasn't told if the contractions were something to worry about, if I should let someone know if they happen again, if she thought the baby might come early or anything! I got a -glad you're feeling better, rest again today, I don't want you working as much- and that was it. I've said it before I am not stupid, I know I'll have Braxton Hicks, and pain and all of that lovely stuff that happens to ready the body for real labor, but her nurses sent me to the hopsital- and now no one was acting like it was a big deal. So was it? Or wasn't it? I didn't take myself to the hospital, I didn't ask for that, all I did was see if I could move my appointment up a day early, they sent me there. And is it too much to ask during my first pregnancy for the doctor to hold my hand and explain every little thing to me, rather than expect me to ask the right questions at the right time to try and get the information I want? I was sobbing on the phone with my mom after the appointment and she said she just wished she could be here to pet me and dote on me- and I just broke down even more. I don't want to be petted, or doted on. I don't want sympathy or pity- I want to not be pregnant. I want to get this baby out safely and love her the rest of her life and NEVER be pregnant again.
I can't help it. I know it's negative, and ungrateful, and I wish I didn't feel this way. I went to the salon to get my hair done and instead of being able to enjoy it and relax and rest-I just kept thinking that I don't want to hear anyone's "Don't worry, be happy" bull crap, or "You're almost there!!" pep talks I was really wallowing in self-pity and negativity. On the way home I passed Chad's billboard and it made me happy. Seeing that handsome guy up on that board, on I-20 brought me back to reality a little bit. I've got this super handsome husband and will probably have a super cute baby girl soon, and I just felt lucky to get to go home and hug him and snuggle with him. I got home and he was at the house for lunch and I hugged him and kissed him and realized how absolutely exhausted I was from my mega-meltdown so I took a nap. Now I'm a bit refreshed a little more positive, and a little more passive. I'm washing Noah's cloth diapers to get them soft and absorbent and ready for her little hiney. I've been thinking about work, and I don't think I'm going to cut back. I think I'll monitor myself and take it easier- be aware of my work load, and just pace myself. If I feel like I need to cut back then I will, but I think I can keep working full time as long as I watch myself and pay attention to my body. I'm not ready to leave my girls at the office, nor am I ready to be stuck in the house. My doctor didn't press the issue super hard, and she didn't tell me it was a huge issue so- que sera sera!
Since I'm feeling a little less crabby, but not quite ready for positive mantras I'm adopting the philosphy QUE SERA SERA- Whatever will be will be. I'll say my prayers, take my vitamins, and be a good girl, and then whatever will be, will be. Sheesh.