Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Boo Hiss---sigh, whatever.

I had a really bad morning today. I'm back to feeling really crabby and negative and I had a really serious cry today- and I have hardly cried this whole pregnancy. Getting closer to my due date is not making pregnancy any easier- not that I expected it to- but it's not making it more difficult in the ways I thought it would. I expected the sleepless nights, the OCD, the pain and uncomfortable feelings, even the anxiety! What I didn't expect is the feeling completely lost and overwhelmed and frustrated despite not having many of those feelings up until now.
Monday was a busy day at work, but nothing over-the-top. However, I started having really intense pains and pressure throughout the day paired with Noah being lower than she had ever been before. The pain wasn't unbearable but it was definitely annoying and it lasted on and off all day long. When I got home it lasted through dinner and when Chad and I went on a very slow and easy walk I actually thought- this may be close to what labor feels like. I didn't want to go to the hospital or call anyone because I'm not stupid and I know the more pregnant I get and the closer I get to my due date then I'll start having pains and such. I went to bed with the help of a benadryl and hoped for the best the next day. Tuesday morning I woke up feeling significantly better. There wasn't as much pressure and the intense waves of pain weren't happening yet, I was super sore, but I've been very sore every morning for the past 2 months thanks to some lovely varicose veins. I thought everything was good until I tried to use the bathroom- I sat and tried to use the rest room and had the most insane muscle pains in my crotch and rear that I screamed out loud and it was all I could do to stand up. Once I stood up the pain slowly went away and I finished getting dressed and headed for work a little skeptical about what I was going to do about not being able to go to the bathroom all day. I figured I would take the day easy and it wasn't a big deal. I got work and parked and opened the door to get out of the car and tried to stand up and couldn't. I had the same muscle pains and some more pains in my lower abdomen-great, I thought- it took me 10 minutes to get out of my car and into the office. I was supposed to see my Doctor on Wednesday morning- my day off, but I waddled inside and asked my boss if I could make Tuesday my day off because I wanted to get back in the car and head to the Dr.'s office and try to be squeezed in. Of course she said it wasn't a problem and I headed toward my OB's office. I called on the way there to let them know I was coming and they told me my doctor was in surgery at the hospital and due to the nature of the pains I should just go to the hospital and get checked out and that way my doctor could see me. I REALLY didn't want to go to the hospital, but the nurse acted like I really should so away I went.
At the hospital they checked me into triage and put me in a bed in a little cubby behind a sliding curtain and hooked me up to monitors and told me to chill out and that they would monitor me for a while and then my doctor would be in to see me. In typical fashion the minute I got hooked up and into bed the pain went away. I was laying there thinking how ridiculous it was that I was laying in a hospital bed and was just mortified at myself. I had been in horrible pain the night before but didn't even call the doctor, how had I ended up in a hospital bed with no pain the next day? The nurses were so unbelievably nice and told me I wasn't stupid or silly for coming in, and said whenever I felt anything similar to what I had been feeling to let them know. I told them every time I felt uncomfortable- but told them there was no pain just discomfort and they then showed me on the monitors where I was having contractions. I had several over a half hour and for that reason they kept me there 2 hours- no pain, just contractions, and I never once saw my doctor. After being there about an hour my phone rang and I realized I hadn't even told Chad that I was at the hospital-so I texted him something along the lines of - At hospital, small contractions, don't freak out, I'm fine, call you later. Love you- I'm sure regardless of telling him not to freak out that he was, in fact, freaking out. Once I realized the nurses weren't going to yell at me for being on the phone I called him and assured him that he didn't need to come to the hospital- that I was insanely bored and totally fine and I didn't even want to be there. Anyway, after over 2 hours the nurse opened the curtain and said- "Wanna go home?"---my answer was "Yes, Lord!" I never saw my doctor but they had called her and she said bedrest for the rest of the day and to still come in for my appointment the next morning. I got dressed and headed for the parking garage and whatdya know- I don't even get to the car before I have a contraction so strong and painful I almost drop to me I said, typical. I spent the rest of yesterday resting as best I could. I'm not a good rester. I am totally restless and annoyed at being stuck in the house and I get depressed and cranky. When I'd be laying down I'd be fine, when I'd be up and moving around the house I'd have the contractions. I went to sleep, once again with some benadryl, and woke up this morning and headed to the doctor.
I feel even better today than I did yesterday so I was hoping for some good information from my doctor- some reassurance that I'm fine and I just really wanted to leave feeling better. Wishful thinking. My doctor is as nice as she can be, but I just don't know that we are a good fit. She came in and asked me about the day before and I told her the same story I just relayed to you and she said- ok well I'm glad you're feeling better. She checked me, and then asked me about work. Have they prepared for you to be out? Yes. Could you go ahead and start staying home? No. I don't want to stay home, I hate staying home, and I want to make money as long as possible. What about cutting back on hours, can you go in part time? Maybe. I'll take it easy, I promise. Ok, well you are going to continue to have lots of pressure and maybe some more pain as you get closer to your due date, so don't be surprised. (in my head) No crap, lady.
That was it. That was my whole visit-she of course asked me if I had any questions but what 9 month pregnant lady can think straight at any point let alone when someone is staring at them at the end of an appointment and the clock is I left. I didn't get 10 minutes away from the office before I started feeling like sobbing. I wasn't told if the contractions were something to worry about, if I should let someone know if they happen again, if she thought the baby might come early or anything! I got a -glad you're feeling better, rest again today, I don't want you working as much- and that was it. I've said it before I am not stupid, I know I'll have Braxton Hicks, and pain and all of that lovely stuff that happens to ready the body for real labor, but her nurses sent me to the hopsital- and now no one was acting like it was a big deal. So was it? Or wasn't it? I didn't take myself to the hospital, I didn't ask for that, all I did was see if I could move my appointment up a day early, they sent me there. And is it too much to ask during my first pregnancy for the doctor to hold my hand and explain every little thing to me, rather than expect me to ask the right questions at the right time to try and get the information I want? I was sobbing on the phone with my mom after the appointment and she said she just wished she could be here to pet me and dote on me- and I just broke down even more. I don't want to be petted, or doted on. I don't want sympathy or pity- I want to not be pregnant. I want to get this baby out safely and love her the rest of her life and NEVER be pregnant again.
I can't help it. I know it's negative, and ungrateful, and I wish I didn't feel this way. I went to the salon to get my hair done and instead of being able to enjoy it and relax and rest-I just kept thinking that I don't want to hear anyone's "Don't worry, be happy" bull crap, or "You're almost there!!" pep talks I was really wallowing in self-pity and negativity. On the way home I passed Chad's billboard and it made me happy. Seeing that handsome guy up on that board, on I-20 brought me back to reality a little bit. I've got this super handsome husband and will probably have a super cute baby girl soon, and I just felt lucky to get to go home and hug him and snuggle with him. I got home and he was at the house for lunch and I hugged him and kissed him and realized how absolutely exhausted I was from my mega-meltdown so I took a nap. Now I'm a bit refreshed a little more positive, and a little more passive. I'm washing Noah's cloth diapers to get them soft and absorbent and ready for her little hiney. I've been thinking about work, and I don't think I'm going to cut back. I think I'll monitor myself and take it easier- be aware of my work load, and just pace myself. If I feel like I need to cut back then I will, but I think I can keep working full time as long as I watch myself and pay attention to my body. I'm not ready to leave my girls at the office, nor am I ready to be stuck in the house. My doctor didn't press the issue super hard, and she didn't tell me it was a huge issue so- que sera sera!
Since I'm feeling a little less crabby, but not quite ready for positive mantras I'm adopting the philosphy QUE SERA SERA- Whatever will be will be. I'll say my prayers, take my vitamins, and be a good girl, and then whatever will be, will be. Sheesh.


Janet said...

Probably have a super cute girl?! I'm sure she'll be gorgeous! :)

Not long now! Sorry about your ordeal, but all will work out! I'm so excited for you guys :)

HevelHouse said...

Ugh! I'm sorry that your doctor is such a dud. My advice (being prego 2x before)...if the contractions get worse, go directly to the hospital. Braxton Hicks DO NOT hurt like that. It definitely sounds to me like your body is TRYING to go into labor. So, take it easy (I know that's what you want to hear, right?) and listen to your body. And do not feel "stupid" for running to the doctor. Go as many times as you need to. Trust me, you wouldn't be the only Mommy to do that. ;-)

Layne Stalvey said...

Janet- thank you so much! Did you see the nursery sneak peak post? I actually bought a glue gun-you've inspired me!!

Tiffany- thanks for your kind words, I am focusing on one positive thing and that is that I'm really close to meeting my baby girl!!

Emily and Cory said...

When I read this earlier in the week, I thought to myself "Wow, I am so glad I have had such good experiences." Ah, I guess I jinxed myself! It is definitely frustrating but you are right, concentrating on having a healthly baby is the best thing to in these situations. No matter how much you may just want to rant, sulk and cry, which may just be me. :)

Shawna and Family said...

Hey Layne! I just came across your blog... I know that feeling of frustration all to well! Trust yourself, and don't feel stupid for going to the Dr, or the hospital! I went to the ER twice before Ben actually came...and I was sent home both times! I guess I'm now apart of the 'false alarm club' Both times my pain stopped the second I was hooked up to the monitors... I hope your days pass quickly and your sweet girl comes soon!