Sunday, August 21, 2011

Trying to be better when it's easier to rely on old instincts...

So it's no secret that I've been pretty miserable lately. I'm over 38 weeks pregnant, I'm experiencing ridiculous side effects that I've never even heard of- and that no poor unsuspecting first-time (or anytime) mother should experience. I've been on bed rest for like 2 weeks, missing my friends at work, going a little cuckoo from cabin fever, and all of this on top of the normal anxiety and worries that a soon to be new-mom faces. Sheesh, am I pitiful, or what?! Don't I deserve some sympathy? I've been praying for weeks, almost on an hourly basis "Lord, please let me have this baby, please let me go into labor, please bring me my baby girl." Sometimes, especially at night (2-3-4am in the morning) when I'm still awake not being able to sleep and burdened with restless legs my prayers are more like this: "Lord if you're not going to send me into labor right now please have mercy on me and at least let me get some sleep!!" Most recently, however, its more like this (sobbing) "Heavenly Father, I can't take this anymore. If I'm not going to go into labor RIGHT NOW then either let me be able to fall asleep or take away this horrible pain because I'm losing my freaking mind!!"
Shame on me. I've never doubted God's timing. Not for one second, I have known the whole time that Noah will come when she's meant to come and not a minute sooner. But shame on me for thinking that if I begged hard enough, that God would feel sorry for me and change his plan. Maybe that is a form of doubt- doubting that Heavenly Father would be holding out on me for any reason other than his perfect plan. Or, thinking that I would be continuing to suffer for no reason at all. I recently decided I've been going about it all wrong: praying for what I want. Praying for gratification instead of patience and understanding during this waiting period. I've been seriously humbled because if you had asked me 3 months ago if I thought I was a patient person I would have told you- most definitely. Actually, I would have told you that I was more patient than I had ever been in my life. ---Lesson learned, because 3 months ago I didn't feel like crap. You think you're strong and patient and wise, and all of these things when you aren't under any pressure- I think Heavenly Father kinda folds his arms, shrugs and sighs....just like any parent will do when their child thinks they don't need anymore life lessons and knows they're going to get some anyway.
So, I've gotten some perspective and have been trying to make some changes to how I react to situations and people. I've got a long history of, how can I say this....being a giant B-word. Being impatient, hot tempered, and easily irritated- especially by stupid people who say stupid things. (side note: you hear more stupid things said to you when you're pregnant than any other time in your life) I haven't just had to learn patience with this pregnancy, but with people and life in general. This is not easy. You can't just decide to bite your tongue and be happy and kind no matter what, at the drop of a hat- especially with extenuating circumstances. But I've been trying to take strides, and be better. Here are some examples:

Stranger: "How much longer do you have?" Me: "About 2 weeks" Stranger: (makes face) "Ooohhh"

Old Layne's response: (make face back) "Yeah. Thanks for that." (turn and walk away mid-convo)
New Layne's response: (painfully smile) "Yes ma'am, it's been hard in this heat, but we're sure excited it's so soon!" (hope this ends convo so I can walk away)

Friends/Family: "How are you doing??" (knowing I'm on bed rest for insane pain that makes it hard for me to move)--this is a toughy bc I know it's coming from a place of love.

Old Layne's response: "How do you think I'm doing, have you lost your mind, if I was fine or good I wouldn't be stuck in this house, but thanks for asking." (hang up the phone)

New Layne's response: ---well this is tricky because I've actually not been taking phone calls so I don't have to be asked how I'm doing because I don't like being reminded that I'm doing bad- I've been living in a bubble in my den trying to forget how bad I feel---but the few calls I've taken have been a little like this "I've been better, yes, thank you for checking, can I call you another time?"

*I'm not perfect- there have been some exceptions and slip-ups in response to this question*

Friends/Family/Strangers: Try to enjoy this natural part of life and the beauty of what your body is doing. Give in to mother nature and the miracle of life. (and other crap like that)

Old Layne's response: "Try to enjoy my foot up your rear- there is nothing natural or beautiful about what sweet mother nature is doing to my body. This isn't normal 3rd trimester pregnancy pains you nit wit, my husband has to help me out of bed and get me to the toilet in the mornings. I hope your meditation and mantras will help you endure the pain of me punching you in your face."

New Layne's response: (thinking to myself that they are just trying to help and to push those violent instincts out of my mind) " I know, it's really hard, though. I'm just trying think about my baby girl and how happy I'll be when I have her and this is all over! I can't wait to meet her, it will be so great! Just need to wait it out and muster through!"

So as you can see, I'm making progress. Baby steps. Trying to be better. On Thursday I decided I needed to look up "patience" in the scriptures, so I went to (my church's website) and pulled up scripture verses from the Bible, Book of Mormon and talks by church leaders. I opened up 2 talks by church officials that were specifically about having patience and faith. ---Then I lost my patience with learning about patience and they sat open on my laptop for several days unread- until last night. I had a rough day yesterday, my mom made me super annoyed and ticked off, and I broke down crying and feeling sorry for myself and slipped into some serious self-pity. So I pulled the talks back up on my computer and started reading. Here are the talks...

Here is some of the wise advice that helped me when I was reading it:

"Nevertheless, without patience, we cannot please God; we cannot become perfect. Indeed, patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace." Dieter F. Uchtdorf

"The greatest scriptural examples of patience are found in the life of Jesus Christ. His long-suffering and endurance are best demonstrated on that excruciating night in Gethsemane as He uttered, in His atoning agony, "O my Father, it if be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt." He truly suffered and bore and endured all things." Robert C Oaks

It's hard to fight natural instincts of impatience, hot tempered, B-word-ness...especially when you are facing a challenge or a trial. But I'm trying really hard to be better. To not think about how my situation could affect the pleasure of bringing my daughter into the world, but to think about how my attitude could affect the pleasure of bringing my daughter into the world. I'm not saying I'm going to be a Happy-Holly all of the time, or that I'm going to start taking phone calls again. I'm not saying that peoples positive and kind words wont make me cringe on my bad days. I'm just saying I'm trying to look at things from a different perspective. Leave it to faith, and know that even when I feel like I really might physically and emotionally not make it another second- I will. And when faced with 1-2 more weeks of waiting for this baby- in pain- stuck in the house, thinking I'll end up a total wretched person to be around before my due date comes- it could happen, but the due date WILL come, and having my daughter here WILL be worth it.

Anyway, the 17-bajillion prayers I've said in between last night and right now were more to this tune " Lord please give me patience, please help me endure, and I'm so grateful for the blessing you're giving me with this baby, just as soon as you're ready to send her to us- I'm ready and I can't wait. Please keep both of us healthy and in all things Thy will be done." ---- I hope this makes the "Big Guy" proud. It's all baby steps, really. (No pun intended)

I know most of you aren't 38+ weeks preggo- but if you're fighting any personal, physical or internal challenges, I really do believe and KNOW that giving it all up to the Lord is the only logical and reasonable thing you can do. Everyone has a predisposition to be something that they don't like- but it doesn't mean it always have to be that way. We can try to be better- take it easy on ourselves, and pray. I don't think I've ever prayed this much in my life. Ever. It probably wont lighten up either- I can only imagine the patience I'll need as a mother. Especially if my daughter is anything like my husband....heh heh heh. One love. Layne


Heather said...

I love you, Layne!

Emily and Cory said...

Wait. It's not normal to hate everyone who had a normal pregnancy? And swear you will never ever have another child after this no matter what? I'm kidding (sort of). :) Can't imagine what you are going through, but I have been in "I hate everyone" mode several times during this pregnancy. It is never easy learning lessons from the Lord but especially not when you are pregnant. Everything you said is so right though. Thanks for sharing! I'll keep praying for you, Chad and little Noah!

Alexa said...

Layne, I'm feeling your pain too, hun! And although it seems bad, consider yourself lucky! I know lots of people who would kill to be going through what we're going through right now just to be able to become pregnant. Think how rewarding it will be when she's here.

Shawna and Family said...

The last few weeks of pregnancy are hard enough without the added pain that you are having to deal with... Letting others know that you are in pain and having a hard time doesn't mean that you are ungrateful for "the miracle of life" or the opportunity to be a mother. No one can tell you how you should be feeling, or dealing with your emotions. Especially those who haven't been in your shoes. I'm keeping you in my prayers... Like the scriptures say "and it came to pass" This WILL come to pass, and you'll have your sweet baby girl in your arms!

Anonymous said...

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