Sunday, January 12, 2014

I'm scared in my own home.

So we officially have the creepiest kid. Ever. Eh-vurr. Noah has perfected the art of super stealthy, totally creepster, dark corner-lurking, sneaking through our house- at ALL hours of the day and night. She is half peeping Tom half ninja assassin. It started innocently enough...I think all parents with toddlers know the absolutely scared shitless (pardon my French) feeling of groggily opening your eyes from slumber to a head less than an inch from your face. Even better is a eerie sing-song "Mooommmyyyy" echoing in the pitch black dark of a hallway beckoning you out of REM sleep. Next it evolved into unplanned games of hide and seek, and by unplanned I mean that she just decides without notice to hide silently for several minutes until you realize that she is nowhere to be found. Enter panic mode and check the bathtubs, garage, front and back yard...then I'm running from room to room looking under beds, in closets, attic cubbies, etc until I see the tiniest movement out of the corner of my eye and realized she has flattened herself to the bed and perfectly bunched up all of the covers so that I've have been in her room for over 5 minutes two separate times and she's been there the whole time undetected, and frankly completely unconcerned with the sound of panic and terror in my voice.
Lately, however, it's reached new heights. I can't even sleep at night anymore for fear that she is hiding in the shadows of our bedroom, or lurking in the hallway just outside our door waiting for the right moment to attack. Chad is having nightmares about her waking us up every hour or so- but at least he's able to sleep soundly enough to have the nightmares. Putting her to bed at all has become a little dance, she probably gets up twice before we threaten to lock her door or take her blanky and then she decides to stay put for the night....or at least that's what she wants you to think. For example, last week we did the bedtime dance and finally got her down, Chad and I made a pallet on the living room floor and put on one of our shows (White Collar, maybe?) about 1/2 hour later I think I hear the stairs creek so I tell Chad to go check, he looks for a while and returns to say that it wasn't her....but I know better...I tell him that it was her but that she heard him coming and like the ninja that she is snuck away to a hiding place to watch him. He laughed. Another hour later (if you are counting that's an hour and a half after bedtime) I look to see a face in the shadows of our unlit hallway crouched down beside our antique secretary. She is silent. She is still. She is SO scary. Chad is floored. "I TOLD YOU!!!" I proclaim- Chad asks Noah where she is been and how long she has been awake. She is silent. (still creepy) I ask, "Noah, did you hide from Daddy when he was looking for you on the stairs earlier?" she nods "Where were you hiding?" she doesn't blink, she doesn't speak, she slowly lifts her hand and extends it to point to our pitch black dining room. BOOM. Creepiest. Kid. EVER. I'm now taking Tylenol PM and Melatonin to try and sleep at night. It's a good thing she is so cute during the day, or I'd be forced to take her back to the store and ask for a refund. Just kidding. xoxo Layne

Using our tablet under a blanket. Every horror movie ever made tells me a child under a white blanket is  NO GOOD.

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