Thursday, October 4, 2012

Absolutely Disgusting...

    I'm a person who's inner workings are totally reflective of my outer condition...or is it the opposite, or vice versa...regardless. I have low self-esteem, a history of depression, PMDD, and come from a long line of crazies (sorry Long/Sanders family, but you know it's true). I'm at my brightest when I'm in a consistent and aggressive work-out routine, eating healthy, prioritizing appropriately, and spiritually fed. I know that a reliable routine and positive health choices allow for most people to achieve a sort of homeostasis in their lives, but for me it is much more than that. When reaching a balance as opposed to having growth I tend to slip quickly into a rut and even faster into a pit until I eventually I reach the point where I feel absolutely disgusting. I feel ugly, I feel nasty, I feel fat and greasy and sleepy and cranky and I tend to act and treat people in a way that is very reflective of how I'm feeling. I can't stick to a diet if I'm not exercising, either. The two go hand in hand for me, and I know that studies upon studies have shown that inactive people tend to not only eat more, but are consuming more unhealthy foods than active people. I know that studies show active people are happier, I know that studies show that spiritually strong (in any faith) people are happier, I know that studies show that choosing healthy food options makes you physically feel better than the alternative...I have read and studied all of these things, I just have to tell you that I am a walking, talking statistic  Slap me on a pie chart and put me in a boardroom somewhere, because I hear ya Mr. So and So from the Comission for a Better Onethingoranother- I am so there! I decided today that I need to purge. I need to purge my mind, my heart, and my body. I need to flush out the negativity, the doubt, the crankiness, right along with the toxins and junk in my system from all of the crap I've been eating, and I need to get good with the Lord and start fresh....or as a wise man once said: "recharge my batteries, and shut down the engines, and get myself back to neutral."
          Believe it or not, but I'm longing for the drive I had when I was losing my baby weight. I was committed to the "Bringing Sexy Back" program that I instituted for myself, and I was steadily seeing results. Now that I've gained only a pound or two verses having 40+ to lose, I really only feel the difference rather than see it, which is exactly how I rationalize the 3 cookies I'm averaging a day...but after the cookies I feel shame. And nausea. And more shame. I know it sounds preposterous to be worked up over a pound or two, and I know I'm being a bit humorous about it all, but it truly does spread like an infection throughout my daily life and affect way more than what I see in the mirror. I don't have energy to play with my daughter, I blow off a morning run with my dog, I'm too tired to have QT with the hubs and read my scriptures in the evenings, and I totally let the stress of work get me all bajiggetty and feeling not so Christian-like towards those causing said stress.
       So look-out y'all cause I'm gearing up for a relaunch. I was inspired by Schmidt's relaunch party on the sitcom New Girl... his party had a theme of "Danger" and while my relaunch party will only be metaphorical, and while you wont be able to hear the sweet playlist going on in my head just know that I'm jamming out to some serious tracks and I'm a lady on a mission. The theme of my relaunch party??? Awesomeness. I'll be getting awesome, eating awesome, working out awesome (thanks to the new Zumba class I'm teaching- message me for the schedule if you're in North Augusta) and spending a whole lot of awesome time with God.
     And my relaunch into the world of all that is amazing, spectacular, and (you guessed it) awesome, could not come at a better time...because this weekend is General Conference. For those of you who are not LDS that is the semi-annual broadcast from Salt Lake City that goes out all over the world where we get to hear spiritual messages from the General Authorities of the church. I can't think of a better ground zero for my grand transformation into my best self than hearing from those who I revere as spiritually strong and righteous men and women. I encourage everyone- even if you're not Mormon to tune in to BYUTV or on Sunday-- it's just one giant feel-good, uplifting event for Christians in general.  So on Sunday I'll be checking off "step 1" on my road to Awesomeness, and beginning my week on a great note. Then checking off "steps 2 and 3" with some healthy eating and my new Zumba classes later in the week. So buh-bye absolutely disgustingness....this train is heading to Awesomeville, and it's not stopping until it reaches world domination! Awwww yeaahh! Who's with me?? Peace and Love, Layne

P.S. Here are some pictures of the silliest little girl and I this afternoon when I picked her up from the sitter!


andrea said...

I've struggled with eating disorders and depression my whole life as well. Hop you find peace in your journey Layne. Love.

Anonymous said...

Some really interesting points you have written. Aided me a lot, just what I was looking for : D.